Divorce

I stopped writing over a year ago. Life left me with little to say. Every piece I posted prior to last month, was a piece I’d written in previous years. When my soul started crying out again, I tried to ignore its calling, suppressed the urge with a to-do list. Alas, it flowed from my heart slowly down to my finger tips, where I painted a canvas of words. My divorce was finalized the beginning of June. A few weeks later, June 28th we would have celebrated our 14 year anniversary. He didn’t do anything wrong, nor did I, it wasn’t as dramatic as that. We simply reached a point in our relationship, we could maturely acknowledge, we couldn’t provide what the other person desired. I will not tear him down here, he’s a good man, he simply wasn’t good for me. We didn’t fight in the end, we shared a non contested divorce, I wouldn’t put my children through a fight, nothing is worth that cost. I started a second job shortly after the decision, I’ve never been afraid of work, and God showed up with blessings that I didn’t deserve. I thought for sure He would hate me for getting divorced, but He didn’t, He carried me in moments of fear. The months leading up filled me with regret, fear, and anxiety. I wondered at times if I would ever be fully okay again. Tears flowed freely and at the most inconvenient of times. The finalization didn’t bring a sudden burst of relief, rather a distaste for myself, and new battles. In that moment, the uncertainty of visualizing a life on my own, was overwhelming. I felt weak, inadequate, and unsure. As time has slowly moved forward, I have found a peace in my soul, I lost many years ago. A contentment, serenity of faith, romancing of the beauty in this world. I’m in love with the tree line, the way the sun kisses the lake, how stars dance across the sky in passion. I feel it. The darkness speaks to the broken pieces of my heart and the sun warms the depth of its capabilities. Yes, I am divorced, but I’ve never been more romantically involved with anyone. I sigh deep breaths of encapsulating thoughts, no one could understand. I laugh wholeheartedly and smile because I love this life. I’ve done a lot wrong, but I’ve also done many things right. One of the things I did right was marrying him. Despite how it ended, I learned a lot in our time together. He gifted me our children, who are the foundation of my happiness. We were meant to travel this world together. I was meant to be here in Alabama. Perhaps in time, I will submit to vulnerability with a partner again. Today, I share my joy with my children, my dog, friends, and God. I’m grateful for the strength He gifted me when this was unraveling, and for awakening my senses that had long since fallen asleep. To the cup of coffee that starts my morning, the way a blade of grass absorbs every raindrop and beams vibrant color of fulfillment, and to the greatest loves of my life, I embrace a lifetime admiring your beauty that evokes reminiscent euphoria.

All my love,

~Kat